


I'm Still Wishing Things Had Changed (But I'll Try To Move On Anyways)

by TheSquiglet



Category: NCIS: Los Angeles, Torchwood
Genre: Gen, How on ~ brand ~ for me, I made things SAD, No need to read Freefall however it might help!, This is a complete work, This is a stand-alone!, Well....more bittersweet actually
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-07
Updated: 2020-10-07
Packaged: 2021-03-08 01:21:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,555
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26877358
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheSquiglet/pseuds/TheSquiglet
Summary: Hello friends! This has been a long time in the works and when I say a long time, I mean something like 4 years ahaha. I hope it's alright!
Relationships: Eric Beale/Marty Deeks, Eric and the Torchwood crew!
Kudos: 2





	I'm Still Wishing Things Had Changed (But I'll Try To Move On Anyways)

**Author's Note:**

> Hello friends! This has been a long time in the works and when I say a long time, I mean something like 4 years ahaha. I hope it's alright!

Eric had gotten his wish. He'd gotten to live past 30. He was 32 now, and thriving. Only lately Eric had been having a change of heart and felt that if he could live past 30, then maybe...maybe he could go back to Torchwood? After all that had been the only reason he'd left.

He'd missed helping the ever changing 21st century and everything that came with it. Including the disasters that the rift pulled through. He'd meant it when the last time he was 'good'. But good hadn't meant 'great'. Great meant going back to Torchwood. Being part of that team. That presence. Having that feeling of helping those not of this universe. 

He'd hadn't wanted to admit it to Deeks. Or Callen. He hadn't gotten up that courage quite yet. 

They'd both think he just wanted to leave them because of the age. It was a part of it, but not all. The amount of times Eric had told himself that he missed the thrill. Missed working to help save the world. Helping the ones who sought refuge and not to take over the world.

He breathed out heavily. Worrying wasn't good for his health. 

"Eric? You good? You seem to be stuck on the same coding you had open for the past hour" Nell told him. Eric snapped back into reality. 

"Yeah I'm fine. Just in my head. Hey, you want to skype Tosh with me later? She'd get a kick out of it" He tried.

"Eric, you know I love you. But when are you going to stop this? You chose NCIS" Nell said gently as possible. 

"What? What's that got to with anything?"

"You don't need me to tell you. Not straight out. I don't know when it happened but you can't not have noticed. Torchwood this, Torchwood that and Torchwood everything. It's like even though you stayed, you never actually did"

Eric opened his mouth and closed it a few times. Nell always could tell and he didn't know how he could escape her. 

"I don't know how I could even try to get past you. I did choose, but choosing can change right?"

"Wait, are you actually serious? You're thinking of leaving to go back to.... _them?"_ Nell gasped in shock horror. 

Eric stopped. He hadn't expected that reaction. He'd thought Nell would be more on his side. They were the closest because of where and how they worked. They were really close friends. But if that was how his closest co-worker acted with even the slightest inkling of leaving, what would the others act like? Never mind the fact that sometimes they pretended Torchwood didn't exist.

* * *

He tried Deeks next. He figured that maybe his boyfriend deserved to be clued in a little. 

"Okay, care to explain why you're not eating and staring off into space?"

"I have something to ask you. I'm....thinking" He started, being interrupted by Deeks. 

"Well that's concerning. See now I'm worried" He said in jest. 

"Deeks, I'm being serious. Torchwood meant the world to me"

"And I know it still does despite how often you talk about them"

"Exactly. Which is why..."

"Hang on, what are you trying to say here?"

"I can't decide whether I want to go back"

"Do you?"

"The more I think about it, the more I miss it"

"And the more I think about how they stopped serving double bear claws, I missed that too. But it was fine because I got over it. And because I realised it was doing nothing for my stomach lining. We all miss things we're not supposed to, but we do without just as fine" Deeks spoke in earnest. 

"Do you really think that?" Eric said in a smaller voice. 

"Honestly, yes. Whose to say if you do go back and suddenly you're missing being a part of NCIS? You've worked so hard and I wouldn't want you to throw that away because of what used to be. What _you_ used to be. I don't want you going backwards or just being at the whim of someone else's mercy"

"I'm not at the mercy of Jack. I never have been. And I don't know what would happen. What I do know is that right now I want to be back with them. I want to be back in Cardiff. I want to be back in Torchwood. There's something about it, there's this presence, this aura! And I can't spend my life just doing one thing! There's this whole world out there, and I want to go back to exploring it. And before you ask, it's not just because I turned 30 and I'm still here kicking because I know that's next on your list!"

Deeks shut his mouth and glanced back down towards his plate.

"So what? You want to go back and that's it? What about us?" He blinked back the tears that were appearing. Looking back up and seeing his partner deflate. 

"Had you not even thought about us?" 

Eric almost tried lying until realising it wouldn't be worth it. 

"No. No I hadn't. All I had thought about was how hard it would be telling you any of this. None of you act like Torchwood exist anymore despite what you all said back then. Anytime we've liaised, you've all been polite but never anything else. I'm standing on two different lines, and I don't know if I take my foot of one, what would happen to the other. Or what would happen to us. Maybe I hadn't even wanted to think about us because of these factors"

"Are we done here?" 

"No! No! Whatever you're thinking, I don't want to break up with you! What if you came back to Wales instead?" Eric insisted, nodding his head wildly. 

"And leave what I have here myself? I don't want to do that. I'm settled here. I enjoy being part of the team and I don't know how we'd work long distance"

"I want us to work however we could. I could still die no matter what happens on either agency!"

"That's supposed to make me feel better how?"

"My point is I'd rather be with you than without! I don't want to go on without you, I want to be with you no matter what happens between here and there!"

"And I don't know whether we could. It sounds like you have a choice to make. I - uh - I'll wash up. Got a big day tomorrow at work"

Eric watched as he picked the empty plates, and walked away into another room. Eric placed his head in his hands and tried to brush away the creeping tears.

* * *

Eric didn't try any of the other's. Unless it was thrown into their faces, Torchwood was never mentioned. Like Nell had said, he'd chosen NCIS. Once he'd done that, the other agency had been thrown out the window. Unless they were brought up by him, they weren't ever spoken of. To them, Eric was NCIS through and through only. 

When he came down into the briefing area, he tried to ignore how distant Deeks was and Hetty's stare. Eric tuned out halfway into the discussion. 

"Anything to add Mr Beale? Or are you quite done searching the floor for answers?" 

"N-no! Sorry, I was just.....deep in thought! Yeah, that"

"Very well. And how is Mr Harkness? I have not heard from him for a while" She asked, noting how everyone's body language had changed. Some went to immediately tuning the answer out or focusing on something else whereas Nell and Deeks tried to hide their facial expressions. 

"Yeah, how are they Eric? Not like you'll call them back so soon right?" Nell pushed her words through, hoping her eyes wouldn't betray the stoic façade.

Hetty glanced towards Deeks and saw he was also trying to fight back whatever it was he was feeling. Hetty could only take a guess at what was occurring, but she hoped it wouldn't tear any of them apart. 

* * *

Eric had wrestled with it. For longer than he should have. It had been a whole week since he'd spoken to Nell and Deeks. He'd hoped maybe that something would change however he was still being blanked more often than not. 

**_"Can we talk again?"_ **

_**"And say what? What more is there to say? You want to leave, I don't. I don't know where to go from this. I can't make you not do anything even if I really want to, because I really do. We want each other to be happy. At this point in time, I think we're only making each other worse. Either choose to go or not. Just make a decision and stop leaving us in limbo"** _

* * *

So Eric did. He made a decision. One that he'd be happy with. Not anyone else.

“ _Eric, care to explain why you're calling? You know I have things to get on with. Ianto mainly - “_

Eric rolled his eyes as he stared at the smirking face of Jack Harkness through the ipad.

“I...is there any point to saving something that doesn't want to be saved?” He sighed despondently. 

Jack's eyebrows raised. Clearly waiting for something more to be said. 

“I've tried finding opportunities but Torchwood left their minds the minute you left for Wales all those years ago. Unless I talk about how you all are or what you've been up to. I only exist as their person up in Ops. Never who I was”

“ _So you rang me for what? Validation? For them to see my beautiful face? I can't invite you all on another case”_

“Actually.....I wanted to take a chance on Torchwood again. If you'll have me” Eric closed his eyes and opened his eyes again to see Jack's face morphing into shock. 

“ _Eric. You'd have to be serious. You love NCIS. It's where you belong. This...this is just a blip you're going through”  
_

“It's not Captain. I really feel like I'm more valued at Torchwood right now, like I can do more there. And I miss it. Being in Ops is all I'm good for right now. I want my skills back. The ones I never get to use because like I said, I'm never referred to as anything Torchwood like. Not even when there's the possibility of alien tech! I'm the technician Jack! I'm meant to explore that! It's not even that I reached 30, it's that I miss helping the bigger world outside ours. I've said this speech a lot but you're the one person right now who'll actually listen"

“ _I...You know Torchwood has changed. Everything that happened. Tosh, Owen...it's just the three of us right now. Just because you lived into your 30's when they didn't - like you just said - doesn't make you invulnerable. This would be you taking your life back into your hands. I'm not responsible for that”_

“In all respects Harkness, you sort of are. As the boss I mean” He teased. All of a sudden he felt lighter.

“ _Yeah, funny. Alright Beale, if you're certain then we'd be happy to have you back. But please before you do, talk to your team. I'm not snatching you away - or having myself investigated - from them. Wait, have you even thought about your gorgeous boyfriend? What's he going to say?”_

"I don't exactly want to get into that right now Jack. There's a reason why he's not been here making comments at you lately" He rubbed his temple, noticing how Jack's face softened. 

“ _Alright._ _You've got a week to decide. You've always been good at following your heart, let's see where that takes you. Get some rest Eric”_

* * *

That conversation in mind, Eric did indeed wait the full week to make sure he was happy with his choice. He'd messaged Jack yesterday morning to confirm everything. Hence why he now stood in the briefing area by Deek's computer downstairs, waiting for the others to arrive. 

His boyfriend came in first. He took one moment and leant back before he collapsed to the floor. 

"You made your decision, and I'm not going to like it, am I? I really thought I could keep you here" Deeks's voice shook. 

"I would apologise but I won't. Not for this. I will apologise for not telling you straight off the bat. You should have been at the centre the minute I began thinking about this. You are really important to me and I don't want you to doubt that"

"I tried everything to stop you from doing this. That wasn't fair of me. Nor was some of what I said a few weeks ago. You matter to me too. I don't want you thinking I don't. I was just hurt, angry even that you hadn't thought of us, and I lashed out. You're following your heart, and that's what I love about you"

"I could say the same for you, y'know? You've never been hesitant about what to do, and when to get it done. Before they get here, answer me one thing?"

"Sure"

"Are you going to stay here and do long distance?"

"Let's see how this conversation goes first, hey? You never know if you're going to need a superhero to swoop in and save you"

"You are disgustingly cheesy" Eric laughed as the rest of the team filed in. 

"God, finally! I was going to lose my mind if that continued on for another day" Kensi sighed in relief. 

"So, any reason why you called us all here Eric? Texts didn't exactly explain it all" Callen started. 

"I'm going back to Torchwood. I know some of you suspected I've been thinking about it, but I finally made up my mind. I'm certain this time. I want to be back with that time. Someone say something”

“Why didn't you tell us?" Kensi stared into the distance. 

“I didn't know how to tell you. Jack told me to make sure I was certain and give me a chance to tell you, listen and then maybe change my mind. I don't think I am changing my mind though. I meant what I said"

No-one spoke up until Nate.

“Alright. I can accept that. I'll want all the details about Torchwood and Jack's so we can still stay in contact but if this is what you want, I'm not willing to fight you on it. It's your choice, and you've made it. You need to go where you can grow” Nate patted his shoulder as he went off.

* * *

More silence came across, letting Eric feel even guiltier. 

“Please don't bear a grudge against me. We'll always be friends even if that means we don't work together. I hope you can understand and if any LA things come our way, I'd still be seeing you considering how you all know the ins and outs as a liaison agreement with us"

“I shall of course be sad to see you leaving but I bear you no hindrance in leaving. I believe this has been something of a long time coming. I shall be in my office readying your paperwork ready for when?”

“Wednesday. I've been told to take time off between and get myself sorted ready for then. Jack said he'd call you in the next few days for any new developments. And Hetty.....thank you, I'm going to miss you"

“I as well Mr Beale. There is no-one quite like you"

Hetty then walked off.

* * *

“You're really doing this?” Sam said. 

“Yeah. Yeah I am, I guess I'm going back home” Eric said with a smile on his face.

“What? Here isn't good enough now?”

“I haven't been whole for a long time. Like yeah, I enjoyed being here and being Eric Beale – the tech genius and part of this incredible team with an incredible leader – but....I think I've grown even more since Torchwood came back into my life. I'm not stressing as much as I would have been. I meant it when I said I wouldn't be running from myself anymore. I've outgrown who I was when I came and stayed here. I've come to realise being a tech isn't all of me that there is...never has been. The 21st century is just getting worse and there's a demand for more people to fix it than ever and I have the experience. And you still don't allow me to talk about Torchwood unless necessary. You think I can't see it, I'm a Torchwood trained operative. I'm and always will be Torchwood. Until the day I die. Just like I said last year. I guess I can open the floor for questions”

“Do you know what you'd be doing to the team, what you are doing? Eric, think about this for a minute. We accepted you a long time ago for everything now you think you can tell us again how we feel?”

“I'm with Kensi. Eric...if this is about belonging then you know you could always talk to me about that, we have something in common there. I have to ask if you're really serious about this. That phone call isn't exactly solid proof you're going” Callen implored.

“That should have been every proof. What about Hetty filing my resignation right now?”

“Giving you a chance to change your mind”

“Not a chance for you to change any of yours?” Eric inquired, his tone strong. 

“I'm still team leader. You answer to me right now and you know I rarely ever let that happen so explain what you meant Eric”

“Fine. I've never been stable. I feel happy helping out those who are the same, alien or otherwise.. You all just assumed I got over it and moved on. NCIS and nothing more. Like I could leave Jack and the rest behind right after and hope that maybe we won't have so many cases. That's not what happens. Or did you notice and just not bother because that's why Nate's here? Or because you thought Torchwood would pick up the shattered pieces because that's what they've always done? I'm not a person you can just toss aside then forget about until I suit your purpose again....God do none of you seriously care enough to stop any of what I'm saying?” He stopped, fuming.

“So you come into our lives, you work with us, become friends and family with us all before springing Torchwood onto us and then you are just so ready to up and leave us a year or so on? The minute you turn 30 and you're not dead, you just wonder back in to their family as nothing has changed. Except us. Did you ever stop to think you're our family? Guess you never really stuck around long enough to miss us after all” Nell quietly spoke, upset that this was what her friend had finally chosen. 

“Are you insisting I'm only good for cases or only good enough for Torchwood and not enough for here as a person? How many times have I had to prove myself and my loyalties to you? And we are friends, me going back to Cardiff doesn't undo all that. Thought all that infringing on your once non Torchwood lives was forgiven. Clearly not...I negotiated all possible outcomes to this....Ianto's waiting outside for me. I'll c-call when I hit the UK...no. No! No I won't actually. It's time I stood up for myself. I'm more than that. Call me when you get your head outta your asses, maybe you never deserved my goodbyes”

Eric stormed out instantly.

* * *

Eric had everything packed and piled into the boot of the car when two people exited out the building. 

"I thought Sam and I could come say goodbye" Deeks told him. 

"Not that I want to say goodbye, but you're right. You don't need us as much as you used to. We got used to having you around, and while I'm not happy you pulled this one over on us, I can respect it"

"Sam, I - "

"Don't get sappy on me. Come here kid" Sam said as he pulled him into a tight hug and slapping him gently on the back a few times. 

"I promise I'll call"

"And I promise they'll come round" 

Sam stepped aside to allow Deeks to hug him. 

"Message me when you land. We can work it out. We will work it out because I love you. Never mind what I said back then. You matter to me, you're important to me and Torchwood are going to be so lucky to have you back. You can't escape my charm anyways Beale!"

"Thank you. I love you too. You are always going to be welcome there. I'll make sure Jack knows that too"

"He better"

"Oh excuse me, but if we want to make our flight I'm afraid we have to leave now" Ianto mentioned. 

Deeks hugged then pressed a sweet kiss to Eric's cheek and stepped to the side. Sam hugging him too before he stepped away too. Eric moving into the car, and waving as the engine roared into life. 

Ianto looked across to his friend. 

"You ready?" 

"Yeah. I'm ready" Eric said, finally relaxing into the chair and smiling. Freer than he'd felt for a long time. 


End file.
